The Teen’s Guide to PDA {Book Review}

I am always thrilled when there is another addition to the growing library of books about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and The Teen’s Guide to PDA is the latest publication that will help families. Written by Laura Kerbey, author of The Educator’s Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance, and illustrated by Eliza Fricker, author of The Family Experience of PDA, this book plugs a gap on the shelf that has been waiting to be filled!

(*Some of the underlined text and the pictures in this post are affiliate links; as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases but it won't cost you any extra!)

Laura has worked as an autism and education consultant for more than 20 years. She realised a while ago that there was very little available for the teen age group, and their parents or those working with them, when it came to trying to explain more about PDA. She wanted to create a resource that would help without being patronising and I think she’s managed that brilliantly with this book.

The ‘welcome’ begins with the very non-demandy suggestion that this book can be read in whatever way the holder wants, whether that’s back-to-front, skipping chapters, dipping in and out or whatever. Scribbling or doodling in it is also an option. Laura explains that the book includes quotes from other teenagers who describe what it’s like for them to live with PDA - but acknowledges that not every teen will relate to all these comments, because every experience of PDA is different. The way Laura writes is open and authentic, and not at all preachy.

Being a teenager is a tricky time, anyway. Your body is changing and you have hormones racing around your body. People expect you to act like a grown-up at times, but then treat you like a kid, too! Adding PDA to the mix can make an already difficult time even harder! You may feel really misunderstood by others and may find it hard to understand yourself, too.

Content

There are ten chapters covering the following topics:

What is PDA anyway?
Anxiety
Autonomy
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Friendships and Relationships
Gender and Sexuality
Family Life
School and Education
Keeping Yourself Safe
Moving into Adulthood

Every chapter includes quotes from PDA teenagers who shared their insights with the author. So many of these resonated with me, because I can imagine our daughter's thoughts being very similar. Such as this image below, in the 'what is PDA' chapter - 'if my mum and dad get too excited about the things I say I want to do, it makes me not want to do it anymore. (Annie)'

The autonomy chapter explains PDA and what has been referred to as a 'need for control' so well - Laura writes 'When you have PDA, and autonomy is so important to you, it can feel really difficult if people start telling you what to do, or expecting you to do things in a certain way or at a certain time. Even occasions like birthdays and Christmas can be really demanding, because you feel like you have to act in a certain way and follow certain routines and rituals, and this takes away your autonomy.' 

Everything needs to be independent of other people or it can’t happen. If other people start needing or expecting something of me, then I have to back out. (Micah)

The page below is a good example of how clear and concise this book is and I love that this phrase 'can't not won't' has been explained.

'When you have PDA, demands feel like a threat to your autonomy. People may think that you are choosing not to do what they have asked or suggested, when the fact is that you simply CAN’T do it because the demands make you feel so anxious. It is can’t not won’t.'

In the school and education chapter, Laura offers some examples of reasonable adjustments for someone with PDA:

• Working in a quiet space if you don’t want to work in the classroom
• Having extra time to complete work, exams and homework (if you have to do it)
• Having a reduced timetable
• Being given choices of tasks
• Sitting fewer exams than your peers
• Using a laptop or computer rather than having to write.

The fact that school can be an incredibly difficult place for PDAers is also discussed - here's a couple more of the great quotes:

School is just not for people with PDA, really. The way the system is set up is just not very helpful. Learning about your brain is helpful. For any PDA learning, it is best to go your own way. (Eliza)

There needs to be a more accessible education system. Now I have my EOTAS package, it is 100 times better than School.  It is so much nicer, and I feel like I am Learning at a faster rate than if I was in school. I could get to pick and choose the things that I want to do. My science tutor is going to start teaching me history soon as my interest has changed and she can go with this. (Alfie)

Summary

The quotes from teenagers who have contributed to this book are what make it extra unique and helpful, in my opinion. I have always said that personal insights, and comments from those with real, lived experience are worth their weight in gold, and there are many included in this book.

I think The Teen's Guide to PDA hits just the right balance of info and advice whilst not overloading the reader. The fab illustrations help break up the text so it doesn't feel too 'heavy'. This is a book which could definitely help other teenage PDAers to not feel so alone or as if they are the only ones experiencing these emotions and situations. 

That said, the challenge many parents might face is trying to suggest to their PDA child that they might like to read this book! Laura is well aware of this hurdle and mentions it in the introduction. When I met Laura we joked about how an oft-recommended approach is to leave literature or activities lying around (also known as ‘strewing’ - here's a great post from @neuro_divers about strewing) in the hope that our PDAers curiosity is piqued. In my experience, this worked for a short period when our PDAer was younger, but by the time she reached the age of 10 she had already cottoned on to what I was trying to do and will resolutely avoid even letting her eye gaze wander to any surfaces that I might have been near. To be fair, I think lots of teenagers don’t want to listen to what their parents have to say and definitely don’t think that us ‘old’ people have advice worth listening to - I’m pretty confident this attitude isn’t limited to just PDA teens…

Books are not our younger daughter’s thing, never have been. She happily tells us she hates books - writing this has taken me right back to when she was very young and we tried to read bedtime stories to her. She would make us flick through the pages super fast and stopped us briefly only on the pages she thought were funniest. Or we would have to read every page in a silly accent. As I found out only when I volunteered to help read with the children in her class in infant school, she could actually read very well and even read easily out loud, with great intonation, from a young age. She just didn’t enjoy the content of most printed material. In more recent years she has read the entire Pokemon encyclopaedia and a couple of books written by her favourite YouTubers, and of course she reads gaming instructions and information such as what’s shown on screen in Minecraft and Skylanders, but books more generally? No thanks! 

That’s all fine by me; I’ve never worried about it because the act of reading is not something she finds difficult. I firmly believe reading books should be an enjoyable activity, but it’s not one everyone enjoys. However I couldn’t resist making a little alteration to the cover of this book to see if it would prompt conversation - let me know if you decide to try this too! I can’t be held responsible if it doesn’t work though :)

For an update on whether my small alteration to the front of the book worked in our house, I suggest signing up for my Substack emails or check out my Facebook page as I'll be sharing the answer there!

I highly recommend The Teen's Guide to PDA - great for parents but also wider family members as a concise intoduction to how PDA feels, and perfect for anyone working with PDA teens and young adults. Also great for any young PDAers who like books (but sssssh, don't tell them I said so! They'll make their own minds up about it anyway...). Out now, available from all good bookstores and from Amazon: The Teen's Guide to PDA.

Our book, PDA in the Family, is out now! We wanted to help other people understand more about Pathological Demand Avoidance and the book was one way of doing that. It's an account of our family life since the day we were told our younger daughter is autistic. It covers diagnosis, the subsequent lightbulb moment we had when we heard about PDA, education, relationships and more.