How to cope with summer holidays with neurodivergent children

It's that time of year when some parents realise how fast the end of the school term is approaching and begin to feel a bit panicked about how they are going to keep their children entertained during the long summer holidays. Slightly different in our house now that our PDAer is 17 and able to entertain herself most of the time, but I remember past years when the school summer holidays felt like a long six weeks ahead of us.

I've seen the question 'how will we cope with summer?' buzzing around a few of the groups I am in so I thought I would pull together five top tips from what I have learnt (sometimes the hard way!) over several years. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination but we have made it through a few summers and every one has looked slightly different. My aim with writing this is to try to lighten the load and help other parents not feel so pressured about the whole summer holiday period.

Summer holidays with neurodivergent children

1. Don't try to do too much

It took a while for me to realise that our PDAer's brain was working overtime in any kind of social situation, trying to figure out what to say or do. Her extreme anxiety meant she was on high alert all the time so overwhelm and meltdowns were often not far away. It sounds so obvious now I've written it here, but when she was younger, the constant anxiety wasn't so outwardly obvious. I went along with the idea that filling our days with fun stuff was the way to go.  

Allowing plenty of down-time is vital - and only you will know how much of that suits you and your children. It might be that you can only get out of the house every other day, or maybe only once a week. Exhaustion from the change of routine and new activities can last longer for some children than others. This applies on holiday too; if you need a rest, make sure you have some ideas for keeping the children occupied in a relaxing kind of way rather than feeling you need to do ALL the sight-seeing.

As a side note to this point I would add that spontaneity can be fun at times but planning ahead will help a lot. Filling every single day of the holidays is not necessary but putting in some ground work rather than waking up every morning and thinking 'what are we going to do today?' is usually preferable. Sometimes long journeys (or even short ones that end up being long due to unexpected delays) can cause extra stress before the main holiday or activity time has even started, but being prepared like a boy scout with activities or downloaded videos and places to stop off will pay off in the long run for example. 

2. Avoid social media comparisons

Whether you're a Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or any other sort of social media user, there are likely to be many photos posted over the next few weeks of smiling, happy families. On beaches, in the sea, at waterparks or theme parks, hiking in the mountains or visiting historical, educational sites. Who knew there was so much to do in the world?! 

Well actually, I think most of us know about most of those options, but we're not all able to leave the house to explore them. When you scroll through social media, it can feel like pretty much every other family is out there having lots of fun in summer, and it's hard not to get sucked into feeling sorry for yourself. Wanting more for your family but not being able to achieve that for whatever reason can lead to feelings of jealousy and bitterness. 

I found it helped to remember that the photos don't show the whole story. They're a snapshot of a moment in time. Even just before or just after the photo was taken there may have been arguments and raised voices and everyone may have spent the rest of the holiday or day out wishing they weren't there. We don't know what's going on for everyone else; we can be happy for them that they got a lovely family picture but there's no need to assume that everything else was perfect. Or you could just consider switching off from social media for a while to avoid seeing those photos!

3. Plan for what your child wants to do

This one sounds obvious, I know, but I think some parents might swing towards planning activities or holidays without spending much time thinking about not only what our children would like to do, but about what they can actually achieve (and the after effects of doing too much, which leads back to point 1!). We might, for example, expect our children to like beaches because sand and sea are what makes us happy, and what we enjoyed as we were growing up. But it doesn't always follow that our children will love them too. 

Outings that might seem like a fun family activity, or even 'expected' events such as visiting family and friends, might just be the thing that tips everyone over the edge.  

It's trickier if you have more than one child and they have very different wishes and needs. Many parents believe that they should plan one holiday for the whole family, because summer is supposed to be a time for family, together. But this doesn't always work for everyone. Sometimes enlisting the help of family and friends to stay home or occupy one or two of your children while you do what suits another is the best solution. Don't put that pressure on yourselves to do everything all together, all of the time.

One suggestion I've heard is to have an activity jar (or two), where your children can write down what they'd like to do on slips of paper and then you pull them out as you go through the holidays. Some children might cope with this in a spontaneous kind of way, but my gut feeling would that doing it collaboratively could work better. If there's a plan then the children will realise that there will be some days they get to do what they want, and other days when it will be what their siblings want. Or as above, days might go more smoothly if you can concentrate on one child at a time. 

4. Don't stress about screen time and gaming

I think in years to come this will be less of a problem, but right now it's a hot topic. My guess would be that in some cases it's the second biggest aspect of life that parents of neurodivergent children worry about for their children, after food.

There will be thousands (hundreds of thousands?!) of children occupying themselves with screens for a lot of time this summer. And thousands of parents worrying and feeling guilty about it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're the worst parent ever and nobody else's child has as much screen time as yours. It's not likely to be true.

There are some apps or games that might lead to more dysregulation for your children so the key is to be mindful of the pros and cons, and know what works for your child. Maybe you can help introduce new areas of play or development via the screen, rather than taking it away completely?

Plus there are lots of benefits to screen time and gaming, it's not all bad news. It's just different to how some of us grew up, when technology wasn't so widespread. 

I highly recommend this great video by Andy from Spectrum Gaming: Why gaming is actually GOOD for autistic children, this article by Dr Naomi Fisher: Screens screens screens, and this one by Zoe Williams: Why “Screen Time” Can Be Good For Autistic Children. The PDA Society also recorded a helpful video on the subject of Online Gaming - it's £6 to buy the recording that you can then keep for 30 days and it's a great way to support this small charity that has helps many parents.

5. Find a group who gets it

Support from other people makes all the difference, and in particular when it comes from other parents who are feeling the way you do. 'A problem shared is a problem halved' and all that - sometimes offloading makes life feel a little easier for a while.

Parents in your area often have the best information about what's happening locally in terms of activities, and also about how to apply for accommodations that your child might need while out and about. The Access Card is one great example of this - this is a scheme which provides an ID card highlighting the barriers an individual faces and the reasonable adjustments they might need.

For those who struggle to get out of the house with their children, online groups can be a great place for empathy and understanding. I highly recommend the SEND Gin & Cheese group run by the awesome Charlie Beswick (blogger at Our Altered Life) - I know you will always find compassionate people in there who just 'get it' and who are happy to chat at any time of day or night.

6. Do something for you

The words 'self-care' really do make me shudder so I feel a bit cringey about this one, but I think it's an important way to save your sanity. What can you do for you, that will make you happy? Maybe that's half an hour with a book whilst sitting out in the garden after a long day. Or perhaps you can go for evening drinks with friends, or take up a totally new hobby. I was sent some information about bell ringing recently... is there something else you Sometimes it feels totally impossible to make that space for yourself, especially when you have younger children, but could you lean on friends or family more than you do? Or is it a case of reading point 4 above again and allowing your children some more screen time, without feeling guilty about it, and plan in something relaxing for that period - catch up on your favourite TV series with less interruptions? 

So what else could help? 

One resource that was recommended to me recently is Five Minute Mum. Her ethos is 'always let the kids come to you' rather than you insist on what they should be doing. On her website fiveminutemum.com there are plenty of ideas for children up to the age of 7.

If you're looking for ideas for activities and things to do over summer, Debs Aspland has it covered in her fab magazine for parent carers (it's called Kintoa). This month's edition includes a holiday includes 40 summer holiday bingo phrases and a summer swear challenge, and also has an activity suggestion for every single day of the holidays. Kintoa is totally free to read - simply register with your email address at lifeaspland.com/kintoa-magazine. But remember, don't try to do it all. Find the happy moments and remember them for as long as you can! And if all else fails, the fries from those yellow arches (or other good sources) seem to have some sort of magic ingredient that makes lots of children happy...