Thursday, 15 August 2024

Black Rainbow {Book Review}

Stephs Two Girls August 15, 2024 autism, Book, Book review, Pathological Demand Avoidance, PDA, review

Have you heard about this fab new book called Black Rainbow?!

The lilac book cover of Black Rainbow. It has an illustration of a woman and a girl from behind - the girl is holding a black umbrella

(*Some of the underlined text and the pictures in this post are affiliate links; as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases but it won't cost you any extra!)

Black Rainbow is a fantastic novel written by Danielle Jata-Hall, blogger at PDA Parenting. This story is told from the view point of Sarah, a married mum of two young children. The back cover summary tells us that Sarah "is seriously struggling and so is her young, misunderstood daughter. Sarah is constantly trying to confirm to fit in, her parenting skills are judged and her voice is quashed.

As her own family becomes frustrated and it feels like they can’t support her, Sarah worries that she may lose her two best friends too – after all, how many times can she cancel their plans?!

When a chance meeting with a stranger has a profound impact upon her, will Sarah be able to find her voice before it’s too late? Will her friends be able to inject some laughter back into her life? And, more importantly, can she find a way to have her daughter be better understood and accepted?"

For those who have only recently heard about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), this is a great book to help with understanding. For those who have known about PDA and lived with it for a while, this book will make you laugh, cry and nod your head vigorously. I'm going to share a handful of extracts from the book to give you an idea of situations that are covered and the engaging style of writing, so keep reading...

The book begins with Sarah trying to get ready to attend a family event. Very quickly we are drawn into a setting and aspects of relationships that many parents of young children might recognise, but there are some extra details that make it clear that this is no 'typical' family. Typical PDA, yes!

I knew this was the only way that we were getting out of the front door, so I reluctantly agreed that she could go to the christening dressed as adog – with a canine mask covering her pretty face. I drew the line (despite her insistence) that I would be accompanying her dressed as the character of the pup’s handler Ryder (I could just imagine the look on my sister‘s face if I’d complied with Lena‘s demands). It was difficult to describe it to other people who didn’t live it, but it was like Lear’s dreamworld had to be her reality instead. Anyone and everything had to comply or else there was warfare to be had.

These quotes show a little bit more about how a PDA parent is likely to be working extra hard to make sure everything goes okay, and also how sometimes the differences in approaches to parenting can cause extra hurdles...

Just as she had finished eating and was leaving the table, my husband, Nick, walked into the room, fully dressed in his three-piece suit, without a mark or a crease to be seen. I couldn’t help but feel peeved as I could feel sweat patches staining under my arms from Charlie’s earlier escapades. I knew we couldn’t have looked any more incongruous with one another if we tried. It was always always the way that Nick only had himself to get ready and I had to pick the pieces up for the rest of the family.

Then later in the book comes a chapter describing a CAMHS appointment. At this point we are introduced to how the title of the book came about:

I could see Theresa‘s pencil eagerly scratching at the paper, writing an abundance of notes, no doubt having a child as enigmatic as Lena was like a field day for anyone working in the field of psychology. I tried to lean over to sneakily read what was being written about my child, but the psychotherapist looked up and I was caught in the act. My eyes quickly glanced away like a child being scolded, caught red-handed with a fistful of stolen sweets. I couldn’t help but empathise deeply with Lena’s feelings, after all, in her perceived sense of reality the injustice that her favourite colour was not in the rainbow was no doubt painful. I wondered if Lena actually felt very dark in an overly colourful, intensely stimulating and complicated world.

Many of us PDA parents will understand the complexities and challenges of our children being expected to talk to professionals in meetings such as this:

Lena suddenly lunged towards the door, yanked it open and sped off down the corridor. “I’m bored now. Adults talk too much! “Lena shouted. “They just say blah, blah, blah!“ I frantically hurried after the last set of words as they ping–ponged from wall to wall. I was grateful for the sound as it was a way of leading me to her. I was never quick enough and at the moment when Lena needed to abscond from any situation, I repeatedly lost pace, not knowing which direction she would have gone in. it frightened me and I worried that one day I might lose her completely.

This kind of situation is explored again in a later chapter when a different professional comes to visit the family at home - again, lots of us might recognise this apprehensive feeling about what might be done or blurted out by our children next:

“You can come in and go straight into the living room,” Lena interjected, “and then you can sit anywhere but my favourite sofa.” “Which one is that?” Joanne asked softly. “The circular seat, of course!” Lena said, matter of factly. “I would never sit on a rectangle shaped sofa. The sides are too straight.” “If you are kind enough to let me into your lovely house, I will respect your wish to not sit on your favourite sofa. Is that a deal?” Joanne was bargaining like a pro and I could sense that she was the expert with getting mistrustful kids aligned on her side. I was watching on, smiling nervously, as the conversation unfolded. I hoped that Lena wouldn’t shout or stick her tongue out at anyone – I was so used to people being shocked by her behaviour that I was always in a hyper-vigilant mode. Please just let this go smoothly, I thought.

There are 22 fabulous chapters in this book, and it's a story of family and neurodivergence as well as following a romantic journey. Just as a little pre-warning in case the person you are buying for might not appreciate it as much as I did, there is a little bit of swearing, a brief, slightly raunchy holiday romance and a quick mention of drug taking in Black Rainbow - it's definitely an adult book, one that would be enjoyed by most folk on a sunlounger or those who were wishing that's where they were!

Black Rainbow is a fiction book that, in my opinion, mirrors real life for many families who have PDA children. Danielle's writing style is superb, making it a compelling read, a real page-turner and a book that I think many parents will relate to. But don't just take my word for it - see all the quotes below for what other people thought!

Available now from Amazon: Black Rainbow

The back cover of this book, with summary text Sarah is married with two children, lives in a suburban house and is an educated woman - on the surface she should have it all but... she is seriously struggling and so is her young, misunderstood daughter. Sarah is constantly trying to confirm to fit in, her parenting skills are judged and her voice is quashed. As her own family becomes frustrated and it feels like they can’t support her, Sarah worries that she may lose her two best friends too – after all, how many times can she cancel their plans?! When a chance meeting with a stranger has a profound impact upon her, will Sarah be able to find her voice before it’s too late? Will her friends be able to inject some laughter back into her life? And, more importantly, can she find a way to have her daughter be better understood and accepted?"

Review quotes:

"Filled with warmth and humour, and frequently emotional and – opening, black rainbow is ultimately an uplifting story of redemption, self – discovery, finding personal freedom and discovering your own truth." Rebecca Huseyin.

"This is such a fantastic insight, which gave me moments of proper laughing out loud and moments of sadness." Jodie Clark.

"The black rainbow is such a great concept and a brilliant read." Francine Swaby.

"A compelling read which had me both laughing and crying!" Alice Running.

"Black Rainbow is beautifully written, entertaining, informative, and at times heartbreakingly sad." Laura Kerbey.

"Black Rainbow made me laugh out loud and weep with relief that I wasn’t alone and isolated on this topsy-turvy journey of parenting a child who will not squeeze into societal boxes." Tina Mac.

"A beautiful book which speaks to the worry, heartbreak, and unseen battles faced by countless parents whose children are failed by the system. Compelling, funny and wrenching, this book is here to tell you that you are not alone and it’s not your fault." Rachel Moseley.

Our book, PDA in the Family, is out now! We wanted to help other people understand more about Pathological Demand Avoidance and the book was one way of doing that. It's an account of our family life since the day we were told our younger daughter is autistic. It covers diagnosis, the subsequent lightbulb moment we had when we heard about PDA, education, relationships and more.

orange book cover with lightbulb illustration yellow text title PDA in the Family life after the lightbulb moment from the author of Steph's Two Girls blog

Our book, PDA in the Family, is out now! We wanted to help other people understand more about Pathological Demand Avoidance and this book was one way of doing that. It's an account of how family life has been for us since an autism diagnosis for our youngest daughter, and the subsequent lightbulb moment when we heard about PDA: PDA in the Family: Life After the Lightbulb Moment Book Launch

Stack of book spines, all books about PDA listed in the post link given

For more books about PDA, click on the image above. To hear more about our story see our 'About Us' page or the summary of our experience in Our PDA Story Week 35. If you are looking for more online reading about Pathological Demand Avoidance, the posts below may help.