We Are Not Seeing It {Book Review}

'We Are Not Seeing It' is an honest and compelling read, written by Luisa Gray, whose awesome illustrations can be found online at @LongRoadSENDMum. The strapline of this book is 'How and Why Mainstream Schools Break SEND Kids' and if you think that indicates that this book has been written by a parent with a less-than-rosy experience of the system that many of us SEND parents find ourselves up against, you would of course be right.

This is not simply a personal account of one family's story though. This book could be described as an exposé of our current education system. A straight-talking account of what is wrong with the system, and how some of the people in that system are failing children. It is not a generalised dig at everyone working in education or Local Authorities and I truly hope it isn't seen as that; it's just an honest acknowledgement of the kinds of situations so many SEND families have faced over the past several years.

Those who have read our book, PDA in the Family, will know that the path through education has not run smoothly for our younger daughter. Far from it, in fact, and although I briefly touched on some of the story in our book, there is of course much more detail that I felt unable to share at the time our book was published. Our daughter is still in the education system (albeit not mainstream), so I know I can't risk 'rocking the boat'. I think some people might question why she has remained in a system that is so flawed, and this leads me to share the following extract from Luisa's book:

Many SEND kids really can’t thrive in mainstream school from day one: their needs are too complex for that setting, and those children really will learn and thrive best in a specialist setting. But places in those settings are incredibly difficult for SEND families to access: years upon years of service and funding cuts under the guise of "austerity" or "streamlining" or whatever buzzword those in charge wanted to use, mean there simply are not enough services or specialist school places or money to go round. So in spite of overwhelming need, a lot of SEND kids are trapped in mainstream schools, with their needs going unrecognised and unmet, year after year.

Some families want to electively home educate (EHE) or use EOTAS (Education Other Than At School). Flexi schooling is another option. For many SEND families (and non-SEND families too), that’s the way they feel their child can learn best. I’m not going to go into these different options in any great depths in this book; they really need a book all to themselves, and there are lots of very good ones already out there. All I will say is if these are what families want to do, and it’s an active choice on your part, then I’m genuinely happy for you, and I wish everyone on those paths the very best of success.

But an increasing number of families are finding:

• Even if EHE or EOTAS is not the ideal option
• And even if something like EHE wouldn’t necessarily meet the child’s needs or their particular learning style
• Or even if the parents themselves know in their hearts that they are just not cut out for home educating their child…
• Their child has been ground down to such a point of wreckage, that there’s no other choice left but to take their kids out of mainstream school

Where does that leave the SEND kids who want and really need the structure of being at school? What about the kids who really get a buzz from the school environment, who love the social aspect of school, and who would potentially be left feeling shut out and isolated if they left?

They still deserve to have that option of being at school.

This describes our daughter - she always wanted to be in school, she just found it difficult for a variety of reasons. Luisa follows on with an important question:

What about the kids like mine who, on paper, and with the right support in place, really ought to have thrived in mainstream school… but who really, really haven’t been able to?

And what about parents like LongRoadDad and I?

• If I’d wanted to be (and had actually been suited to being!) a teacher, I would have trained as one years ago when I had the opportunity.
• Between them, Big Bruv and Little Sis have a detailed list of Special Educational Needs. Not just needs: Educational needs.
• Most importantly of all, our kids do not want us to be their teacher!
• School is school, home is home
• Our kids want us to be their mum and dad - not their educators!

Some of Louise‘s excellent illustrations pop up throughout the book, including this one about School refusal/avoidance and what education staff and even other families might think the situation at home is like:

Another example illustration that I think many will relate to is this one, of what happens after diagnosis for so many families: 

'We Are Not Seeing It' is a phrase similar to how parents are often told that their children are 'fine' once parents have left the premises. Often though, these children are really 'Not Fine in School'. There's a great section in the book where Luisa explains these phrases and more that are used against parents, and points out the gaslighting that is happening and what is implied with these comments - generally from people who don't know our children as well as we do.

"It must be a behavioural or a parenting problem.

It must be yours, or your child’s fault.

If your child only explodes at home, it must be a home problem. 

And that’s how my family's journey into the SEND world began – a journey filled with suspicion, punishment, blame and guilt, all of which were being piled on us and made a hundred times worse by our kids' school." 

                                                        - Luisa Gray, author We Are Not Seeing It 

Luisa details how all education and Local Authority employees have a professional obligation to step up and do their lawful duty for the SEND children in their care. She also writes about the so-called 'social contract' that is meant to exist between school and home, and the five important elements of this that parents are rarely made aware of when their child starts school:

• "In Loco Parentis"
• The role of Teaching Assistants
• The Early Years Foundation Stage
• Teacher's Standards
• Quality First Teaching

There is plenty of analysis of EHCPs (Education, Health & Care Plans) and EHCNA (Education Health and Care Needs Assessments in this book and the following section rang especially true to me:

The lack of basic knowledge of SEND law that I have experienced in LA officers is truly staggering. These are the people charged with commissioning EHC needs assessments (EHCNA - more on those later), writing our kids lawfully binding Education, Health and Care plans. (EHCPs - more on those later too) and commissioning services for SEND kids, yet who largely do not know even the basics of the statutory time frames they should adhere to – and even when they do know, they seem remarkably relaxed about stretching those time frames way beyond the statutory limits. The attitude is very often“well, what are you going to do about it? Make us stick to the lawful timelines! If you can… “

Nor do these LA officers seem to have the slightest grasp on the vital, lawfully-enforceable, and deeply personal nature of the work they are doing.

• I have seen EHCPs with needs described in section B, and provision written in F (section F is the lawfully binding bit) that look more like a "nice to have" wish list, than a statutory document explicitly describing what the child’s needs actually are, and the provision required to meet them.
• I’ve seen EHCPs containing spelling mistakes and basic typing errors – completely unacceptable in a legal document 
• I’ve seen EHCP working documents where the LA has changed text between Draft versions, and not highlighted the changes they have made (either through simple human error/lack of attention, or perhaps more worrying because they are hoping parents will not notice?)
• I have even seen EHCPs that have so obviously been produced by "cut & paste" that they get the child’s sex wrong, and sometimes have featured a completely different child’s name.

Would it surprise you to know that every. single. one. of those bullet points above has applied in our daughter's case, over the course of the last twelve years? Sometimes all at once, in the same year, and again the following year, and... you get the idea. I'm sure it will come as no surprise to many SEND families that since the Tribunal situation we were forced into (that began in the summer of 2021 and concluded in Spring 2022), we received one Final EHCP a few months later that year and have not had any updated legal document since then, despite the current school holding a review this time last year. We are about to have another annual review meeting in a few weeks time... I wonder if the LA representative will join us (I'm sure you can hear my hollow laugh wherever you are in this country)?! I have one word to sum up this system... FARCE. 

Towards the end, the issue of mental health of SEND parents is touched on and 'Systems Generated Trauma' is mentioned (a phrase used in research and at a collaborative conference held in 2024) - a new one to me, but this so accurately describes my life over the past few years.

Eighteen different families shared their 'less-than-ideal'* experiences of the school system in posts for the 'Not Fine in School' series on my blog over the course of a couple of years *(I am using that phrase in a tongue-in-cheek manner, although this is of course no laughing matter). I know there are so many more families with similar (bad) experiences, but most parents are scared to share the reality because of the fear of backlash, or because they are so stressed about the whole situation and their mental health has been badly impacted. I applaud Luisa wholeheartedly for being so courageous in telling the truth in this way; a truth that is sadly not just hers but shared by many families.

We Are Not Seeing It is, in my opinion, quite simply the must-read book of the year for anyone who has anything to do with the education system. Which means most parents, whether you have SEND children or not - wouldn't it be great to know that other families who don't go through the same kind of stress with the education system could at least acknowledge, and maybe help change, what some of us are put through. But I also hope this book reaches people who work in schools or for Local Authorities - although of course we all know some of these individuals will choose not to read, because they might feel attacked (welcome to our world) or may prefer to close their ears and eyes to what is really going on in front of them. 

Available now in paperback and on Kindle: We Are Not Seeing It.

(*Some of the underlined text and the pictures in this post are affiliate links; as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases but it won't cost you any extra!)